Chapter 5--Part 3
“Aren’t you going to listen to her prayers?” Sandee asked, as I trudged over to the table.
“I already said them for her. I said, ‘Thank you, God, for giving my mommy the strength not to rip my arms and legs off and beat me over the head with them.’”
“You shouldn’t kid about things like that,” Sandee said, disapprovingly. “Children need a routine and they need something to believe in. . . .We all do.”
“Yeah, well, you see how she can drag out a ‘routine’. If I added one more thing to what we do everything night, I wouldn’t get her to sleep until midnight.”
“I’m just saying . . . “
“I know what you’re saying, Sandee. And what I’m saying is I’m not gonna fill her head with a lot of nonsense and get her hopes up about something that I don’t even think exists. What’s the point?”
“The point is . . . .”
“The point is,” I interrupted, “if there’s a God, why the hell am I stuck raising that poor kid in this hell hole? If there’s a God, why is Wayne walking around with new jeans on his ass and a slut on his arm while I can’t even buy my kid some decent clothes? If there’s a God, . . . .”
“I can’t explain that! I can’t explain none of it. No one can. But I know there’s a God, and He’s a kind and loving . . . .”
“Yeah, well, according to my mother, He wasn’t so kind and loving. He was watching every damn thing I did and whispering it all in her ear, so she could ‘beat the devil’ out of me. Now if that’s your idea of a kind and loving God, I think you’d better ….”
“That’s not my idea, and you know it, Nadine,” Sandee said, her jowls flapping around with emotion. “Just because your mother had some crazy ideas, that doesn’t mean that’s how God really is. He’s not like some big, cosmic tattletale, for crying out loud!”
“‘I, the Lord Thy God, am a jealous God. . . ’” I intoned, surprised I remembered it almost word for word. I guess I should remember it after all the times she shouted it at me. “‘. . .Visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children for the something of the something upon the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.’ That’s your kind and loving God.”
“Yeah, and how does the rest of that go?” Nadine asked. “‘And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.’ ‘Mercy’ is love, you know.”
“Yeah, well, my mother seems to have forgotten to about that ‘mercy’ part,” I muttered. “Anyway, I’m screwed: I don’t love Him, and I sure as hell don’t keep His commandments. So how much ‘mercy’ do you think He’s gonna be showing me, anyway?”
“I could teach Tris ‘Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep’, if you wanted,” Sandee said, choosing not to answer my question.
“Oh, yeah, that’s a real cheery one. ‘If I should die before I wake.’ Just what you want your kid thinking about while she’s trying to go to sleep: ‘Damn! I could croak in the middle of the night!’ Yeah, that’ll set her right up for a good night’s sleep.”
“No, I say it another way. ‘If I should live for other days/I pray thee, Lord, to guide my ways.’”
“That’s still saying she might die. That’s a damn big ‘if’, if you ask me. I like my version better: ‘Now I lay me down to sleep/ With a bag of peanuts at my feet/ If you eat them before I wake/ I hope you get a belly ache.’”
“Oh, Nadine,” Sandee sighed.
“Or how about: ‘Now I lay me down to sleep/With a bag of peanuts at my feet/If I should die before I wake/I leave them all to Uncle Jake?’ That one’s pretty nice.”
“You’re impossible.” Sandee shook her head, but she was smiling a little.
“I’ve been told that before,” I said.
Sandee sat quietly for a minute, pushing the salt and peppershakers around like chess pieces or something. Then she looked up at me, sighed, and shook her head.
“Oh, what your poor face looks like. You look like you got hit by a truck. I wish you woulda told somebody last night.”
I glanced over to see if Tris was asleep. Her mouth was hanging open and she was drooling all over her pillowcase. I still lowered my voice. “Sandee, I . . .I wasn’t gonna tell anybody, but. . . . I didn’t really fall at work last night. I just made that up.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I stopped at the Port after work, just for a quick beer or two. A bunch of us got dancing and the time got away from me, and pretty soon it was closing time.” I paused to light a cigarette, my hands shaking.
“And?!”
“And I didn’t leave with the others because I hadda go to the john. So I was all by myself in the parking lot and someone grabbed me from behind.”
“Omigosh! Was he trying to. . ., you know,. . . rape you?”
“No, I think he was trying to . . ., you know, . . . kill me!” I said, mimicking her.
“What happened? Did you run away? Do you know who it was? Did you go to the police?”
“Slow down and take a breath, for God’s sake,” I said. “I don’t know exactly what happened. One minute somebody had me from behind, choking the living daylights out of me. The next thing I know, he threw me against my car and ran away. I think somebody hit him with a beer bottle—or maybe he dropped it—because there was broken glass all over the ground.”
“Well, do you know who it was?”
“I don’t know. I think it might have been Wayne. He was in the bar with some little slut and got really pissed because I asked him about sending some child support.”
“Did you go to the police?”
“No.”
“Nadine! Why not?!”
“’Cause I wouldn’t have known what to tell them. I didn’t see anybody. I don’t know who or what chased them away. I had on a wet, sweaty T-shirt and short shorts, and they probably woulda said I was asking for it. I just wanted to get home and be safe.”
Sandee thought for a moment, then said slowly, “Surely, Wayne wouldn’t do that. Even as hateful as he can be.”
“Who else would?”
“Well, . . . maybe I shouldn’t tell you this.”
“What?”
“Was Sid working bar last night?”
“Yeah, same as he always is.”
“Well, . . . don’t tell this to anyone, but he’s the nephew of a gal I work with. And she says he’s not right in the head.”
“Sid? Whaddya mean?”
“He was EH in school. That’s like ‘Emotion Handicap’ or something. She says he has a really bad temper and can be set off by anything.”
I shook my head. “No, not Sid. You must be thinking of someone else. I’ve never even seen Sid yell or anything. And some of the people who go in there are real assholes, you know.”
“Well, all I know is, Verna said anything could set him off. That’s why it took them so long to find him a job he could do. He can mix drinks pretty good, I guess. But didn’t you ever notice he hardly ever talks to people and he hardly ever looks you in the eye?”
“Yeah. . . .”
“That’s all part of it, too. He just doesn’t know how to act around people.”
“No, not Sid. I can’t believe it.”
“He coulda been carrying a beer bottle out of the bar and dropped it when he grabbed you. He’s not supposed to drink.”
I tried to think back. “I’ve never seen Sid drink. But, then, he wouldn’t, if he’s working, I guess. Anyways, I think the glass broke after the person started choking me, and if it was Sid, why did he stop?”
“Who knows? He coulda seen a car coming down the street or just gotten spooked somehow.”
“Well, I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like something Sid would do. Wayne definitely is capable of something like this. Who else would want to strangle me?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Sandee said, sarcastically. “Maybe any one of a dozen guys you’ve insulted in that bar. Or Val. Or B.J. Or probably anybody else you’ve spoken to in the past week, Miss Mouth.”
I grinned, even though it made my face feel like it would break in two. “Yeah, and can you vouch for your whereabouts around 2:30 a.m. last night?”
Sandee just rolled her eyes at me and shook her head.
“I already said them for her. I said, ‘Thank you, God, for giving my mommy the strength not to rip my arms and legs off and beat me over the head with them.’”
“You shouldn’t kid about things like that,” Sandee said, disapprovingly. “Children need a routine and they need something to believe in. . . .We all do.”
“Yeah, well, you see how she can drag out a ‘routine’. If I added one more thing to what we do everything night, I wouldn’t get her to sleep until midnight.”
“I’m just saying . . . “
“I know what you’re saying, Sandee. And what I’m saying is I’m not gonna fill her head with a lot of nonsense and get her hopes up about something that I don’t even think exists. What’s the point?”
“The point is . . . .”
“The point is,” I interrupted, “if there’s a God, why the hell am I stuck raising that poor kid in this hell hole? If there’s a God, why is Wayne walking around with new jeans on his ass and a slut on his arm while I can’t even buy my kid some decent clothes? If there’s a God, . . . .”
“I can’t explain that! I can’t explain none of it. No one can. But I know there’s a God, and He’s a kind and loving . . . .”
“Yeah, well, according to my mother, He wasn’t so kind and loving. He was watching every damn thing I did and whispering it all in her ear, so she could ‘beat the devil’ out of me. Now if that’s your idea of a kind and loving God, I think you’d better ….”
“That’s not my idea, and you know it, Nadine,” Sandee said, her jowls flapping around with emotion. “Just because your mother had some crazy ideas, that doesn’t mean that’s how God really is. He’s not like some big, cosmic tattletale, for crying out loud!”
“‘I, the Lord Thy God, am a jealous God. . . ’” I intoned, surprised I remembered it almost word for word. I guess I should remember it after all the times she shouted it at me. “‘. . .Visiting the iniquities of the fathers upon the children for the something of the something upon the third and fourth generation of them that hate me.’ That’s your kind and loving God.”
“Yeah, and how does the rest of that go?” Nadine asked. “‘And showing mercy unto thousands of them that love me and keep my commandments.’ ‘Mercy’ is love, you know.”
“Yeah, well, my mother seems to have forgotten to about that ‘mercy’ part,” I muttered. “Anyway, I’m screwed: I don’t love Him, and I sure as hell don’t keep His commandments. So how much ‘mercy’ do you think He’s gonna be showing me, anyway?”
“I could teach Tris ‘Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep’, if you wanted,” Sandee said, choosing not to answer my question.
“Oh, yeah, that’s a real cheery one. ‘If I should die before I wake.’ Just what you want your kid thinking about while she’s trying to go to sleep: ‘Damn! I could croak in the middle of the night!’ Yeah, that’ll set her right up for a good night’s sleep.”
“No, I say it another way. ‘If I should live for other days/I pray thee, Lord, to guide my ways.’”
“That’s still saying she might die. That’s a damn big ‘if’, if you ask me. I like my version better: ‘Now I lay me down to sleep/ With a bag of peanuts at my feet/ If you eat them before I wake/ I hope you get a belly ache.’”
“Oh, Nadine,” Sandee sighed.
“Or how about: ‘Now I lay me down to sleep/With a bag of peanuts at my feet/If I should die before I wake/I leave them all to Uncle Jake?’ That one’s pretty nice.”
“You’re impossible.” Sandee shook her head, but she was smiling a little.
“I’ve been told that before,” I said.
Sandee sat quietly for a minute, pushing the salt and peppershakers around like chess pieces or something. Then she looked up at me, sighed, and shook her head.
“Oh, what your poor face looks like. You look like you got hit by a truck. I wish you woulda told somebody last night.”
I glanced over to see if Tris was asleep. Her mouth was hanging open and she was drooling all over her pillowcase. I still lowered my voice. “Sandee, I . . .I wasn’t gonna tell anybody, but. . . . I didn’t really fall at work last night. I just made that up.”
“Why? What happened?”
“I stopped at the Port after work, just for a quick beer or two. A bunch of us got dancing and the time got away from me, and pretty soon it was closing time.” I paused to light a cigarette, my hands shaking.
“And?!”
“And I didn’t leave with the others because I hadda go to the john. So I was all by myself in the parking lot and someone grabbed me from behind.”
“Omigosh! Was he trying to. . ., you know,. . . rape you?”
“No, I think he was trying to . . ., you know, . . . kill me!” I said, mimicking her.
“What happened? Did you run away? Do you know who it was? Did you go to the police?”
“Slow down and take a breath, for God’s sake,” I said. “I don’t know exactly what happened. One minute somebody had me from behind, choking the living daylights out of me. The next thing I know, he threw me against my car and ran away. I think somebody hit him with a beer bottle—or maybe he dropped it—because there was broken glass all over the ground.”
“Well, do you know who it was?”
“I don’t know. I think it might have been Wayne. He was in the bar with some little slut and got really pissed because I asked him about sending some child support.”
“Did you go to the police?”
“No.”
“Nadine! Why not?!”
“’Cause I wouldn’t have known what to tell them. I didn’t see anybody. I don’t know who or what chased them away. I had on a wet, sweaty T-shirt and short shorts, and they probably woulda said I was asking for it. I just wanted to get home and be safe.”
Sandee thought for a moment, then said slowly, “Surely, Wayne wouldn’t do that. Even as hateful as he can be.”
“Who else would?”
“Well, . . . maybe I shouldn’t tell you this.”
“What?”
“Was Sid working bar last night?”
“Yeah, same as he always is.”
“Well, . . . don’t tell this to anyone, but he’s the nephew of a gal I work with. And she says he’s not right in the head.”
“Sid? Whaddya mean?”
“He was EH in school. That’s like ‘Emotion Handicap’ or something. She says he has a really bad temper and can be set off by anything.”
I shook my head. “No, not Sid. You must be thinking of someone else. I’ve never even seen Sid yell or anything. And some of the people who go in there are real assholes, you know.”
“Well, all I know is, Verna said anything could set him off. That’s why it took them so long to find him a job he could do. He can mix drinks pretty good, I guess. But didn’t you ever notice he hardly ever talks to people and he hardly ever looks you in the eye?”
“Yeah. . . .”
“That’s all part of it, too. He just doesn’t know how to act around people.”
“No, not Sid. I can’t believe it.”
“He coulda been carrying a beer bottle out of the bar and dropped it when he grabbed you. He’s not supposed to drink.”
I tried to think back. “I’ve never seen Sid drink. But, then, he wouldn’t, if he’s working, I guess. Anyways, I think the glass broke after the person started choking me, and if it was Sid, why did he stop?”
“Who knows? He coulda seen a car coming down the street or just gotten spooked somehow.”
“Well, I don’t know. It just doesn’t seem like something Sid would do. Wayne definitely is capable of something like this. Who else would want to strangle me?”
“Oh, I don’t know,” Sandee said, sarcastically. “Maybe any one of a dozen guys you’ve insulted in that bar. Or Val. Or B.J. Or probably anybody else you’ve spoken to in the past week, Miss Mouth.”
I grinned, even though it made my face feel like it would break in two. “Yeah, and can you vouch for your whereabouts around 2:30 a.m. last night?”
Sandee just rolled her eyes at me and shook her head.
posted by Ellen Leigh Monde @ 11:31 AM
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